Don't Think Twice, It's Alright
by AsMuchAsIEverCould
Summary: He has ambition and nerve and no idea what to do with it-but Sirius feels emotion in every crevice of his bones, something so blazing that he's sure of his future and unsure of his life, and it's a shame things play out the way they do.


1

It starts when Sirius is seven and haughty and miserable. He's learning spells and tripping up on magic and making things float because no one can tell him not to, and as far as he knows, he's in control of the world.

He tells Regulus to do his chores and wash his clothes, and he holds his head high but all he can see is the ground. When his father speaks, he digs his nails into the wood of the dining table and doesn't retort despite himself. Most everything annoys him, and he looks at the world as if it is not worth his time.

In the evening when the sky melts into unnamable colors, Sirius lies out on the back hills of the Black Manor, and he tells Regulus one day he's going to burnt he place to the ground.

"Why would you?" Regulus asks. He's got the innocent look of someone who would never deceive you, yet the nerve of someone who might try.

They roll down the hills until the ground hums and their stomach's hurt and the glittering lake is spilling out by their feet.

"I'm sick of Mom, and I'm sick of Dad, verging on sick of Slytherin. Nothing in their memory or honor should be allowed to stand, and from the moment I can, I will make sure it doesn't."

He is always too reckless, always too brave.

Sirius has looked like Black since birth, regal and aristocratic. His features are prominent and daring; when his mother caresses his cheek, she says, "You would make a fine heir, if it weren't for that heart." He doesn't know exactly what she means at the time, but in the end he doesn't care.

2

It continues when Sirius returns for Christmas Break after his first semester at Hogwarts, and his mother locks him in the basement. He screams and scratches at the wood, peeling off the paint and kicking so the door reverberates on its hinges but doesn't otherwise budge. He calls for Regulus and spits whatever insults on his tongue, because if his father were to punish him for them, he'd have to open the door first. So he waits, watching the light come from underneath the door, and he can hear the clink of fine china as he mother prepares for the Christmas Eve roast. He can picture Walburga in her dark satin dress, her lipstick sticking to the curve of her wine glass when she takes an assertive sip, how the red would stick out from the white of her teeth and the black in her soul.

He can hear Regulus's protests, and the door swings just far enough for his mother to throw him down as well. "Fools!" she cries, and Sirius cries as well.

He hurts his brother—he takes his anger out on him instead of the withered door, and he says, "You're supposed to be smarter than me!" But he doubts Regulus values his words at all.

The younger boy is now slightly taller and brusquer, though that doesn't stop Sirius, and they've gotten a small glimpse at the world but not nearly a long enough look. It is enough for Sirius to plan his conquer and picture his empire, and he has no idea as he decks his little brother that Regulus was planning as well.

3

It sparks when Sirius is sitting on the cushioned bench under the stone window alcove, and he can hear Wormtail and Moony making crude conversation about summer vacation plans. Sirius tries not to think about sleeping in gutters and looking for spare coins in the London Underground.

In the night before the Hogwarts Express is supposed to take off and end back in London, Sirius is feeling dizzy and nauseous, like someone was sitting on his chest, and he leans over to retch on the floor. He feels cool hands pulling back his spill of inky hair, and Remus's raspy morning voice says, "Take it easy there…" And he wants to hug the boy, because no one else in the dorm is awake, and he also knows that if anyone, Moony wasn't going to hold Sirius's affectionate, girly moments against him.

He can see Moony's dark, wolfish eyes in the light of the half-moon through the window, and they look determined and empathetic at the same time, with a blazing drive that Sirius feels in every part of his being. He has the never tucked into his collar bones and ambition under his tongue, but because he doesn't know what to do with it anymore, it's all coming crumbling to his feet. So he hugs Moony like he wants to and says, "If you only knew…"

In the morning, James asks Sirius if he'd like a place to crash at his parents' house, and Sirius's knees give out.

4

It rises at graduation, where Sirius is no longer antsy and blazing, but he still feels hope in the nooks of his joints, and he can tell he's going _somewhere_, even if he's more lost than ever. In the crowd of student faces he can see Regulus's expression of scorn and contempt stand out especially, and it reminds him of every other black so fiercely he looks away. He swore that if he did nothing else, he would rise above those upturned noses and bony frowns.

He buys a flat and hangs rude posters and rides around on the loudest, most intimidating bike he can find. When he takes James for a ride he goes into open air so that the sweet smell of kerosene and ripped leather is all they can smell. From there the people look like bugs and the buildings are smaller than his thumb, and he's higher than he's ever been. He's on top of the world.

5

It peaks parallel to the war. First goes Regulus, and Sirius's nerve and ambition replaces with wracking guilt, and Remus holds him on the tile of his kitchen floor while he cries. Good old Moony never held an affectionate moment against him.

Second goes the Potters, and by then, Sirius doesn't have anyone to hold him while he reaches out for the stupid-haired bloke he still hoped to call his friend, the one laying motionless on his living room floor. James's finality looks to be too mundane for his personality; it is then he realizes James had more drive than he ever did, and that man built his empire on his own without any second thought, his wife and family and home there to prove it. And he's not sure whether or not he can go to see Lily.

6

It ends with his Godson crying in his crib. Sirius climbs the stairs and pointedly steps over Lily to grab the boy. He smoothes back the hair at the nape of Harry's neck and presses cold lips to the boy's scarred forehead. He sidesteps the rubble and the dead, because he's sure if he looks away maybe it won't exist.

"It's okay," he tells Harry. "Someone will be here soon. You're going to be fine, and I'm going to be fine."

And he hopes more than anything his Godson will have more nerve than him, yet the knowledge of what to do with it.

.

**owowow this is sort of sad. i've been gone a long while, haven't I? my bad. i'd been working on other things as far as writing goes, but i'm feeling particularly keen to the marauder era again. i always tend to come home no matter how far i stray. i'm not really sure how this piece happened, nor am i positive on what i was trying to accomplish. it was three in the morning and my head wasn't shutting off, and sometimes you add a little pixie dust and fall out boy and bob dylan and things like this just appear. i'll be updating several things soon, so sorry for the hiatus. thanks again xx.**

**xasmuchasievercould**


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